Solitude
by S.C. Preclarus Noctis
Summary: But for too long, I have lingered in solitude. For too long, I have wondered. And for too long, I have been living in this world of sorrow and despair." HHr (hermione pov)


**Solitude**

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN anything that has to do with Harry Potter. They all belong to the great J.K. Rowling. I also DO NOT OWN the song "Solitude". It belongs to the GREAT band Evanescence. Basically, I don't own anything…except for the plot, I guess.  

Author's Note:  Ah, well, what can I say? I was incredibly bored and an idea just popped into my head. I guess this will be a one-shot.  From fifth year to sixth year. 

            I was supposed to be happy for you when I found out that you liked her, when the Boy-Who-Lived found love. I was supposed to be happy for you when she shared the same feelings you had for her. I was supposed to be happy for you when you finally kissed her, the girl of your dreams. I was supposed to be happy for you when you two went together to Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day. I was supposed to be happy to help you out when you had fights with her. But nothing happened the way it was supposed to.

            _"Harry's liked her for ages, haven't you, Harry?" _ I asked you the night you kissed her.

             You didn't reply. Your thoughts were all on her. Your whole world had been completed because you knew that she had mutual feelings. She was all that mattered. And it hurt me to know that. It hurt me even more to see her break your heart with numerous fights over pointless things.

_How many times have you told me you love her_

_As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth_

_How long have I stood here beside you_

_I live through you, you look through me_

            Ever since first year, I have been there for you. I solved mysteries with you and helped you through tough times. And I know you better than anyone else. I've been infatuated by you ever since we became friends. I thought it was just a crush and nothing more. I thought it would end by the next year, but it didn't. In fact, my infatuation grew stronger each year. Slowly, it turned into love. 

            .

            I don't know how you, the great Harry Potter, could have fallen for such an immature girl. All her life, she had been living happily with her popularity; she never knew what it felt like to have the world falling upon her. But after one summer, reality had taken a hold of her. She finally realized that not everything goes her way. Cedric died. Her abilities in Quidditch were decreasing, and her popularity faded. 

            Don't you realize, Harry? She was only coming to you because Cedric is dead. If Cedric were still alive, she would be with him. Not you. She also thought you would understand her because you saw Cedric die. She wanted to hear words of comfort from you. All she wanted was to hear about Cedric, to talk about him. 

            But you don't realize it. It's just like you don't realize my love. 

_Ooh, Solitude,_

_Still with me is only you_

_Ooh, Solitude,_

_I can't stay away from you_

            I feel so alone and isolated from the rest of the world; and rejected by you. The night welcomes many tears, but you don't know. Each time I cry, I cry for you. Each time my tears come, I feel so pathetic and stupid. How could I be crying over a boy? I should know better than to do something like this. I should be angry with you, but I'm not. 

_How many times have I done this to myself_

_How long will it take before I see_

_When will this whole in my heart be mended_

_Who now is left alone but me_

            To wonder if you'll ever love me, just inflicts more pain upon myself. I've tried so many times to put my love for you behind me. I don't want to love you. Why should I love you so much that it hurts? Each day, my heart breaks into a million because of you and your temper. Your anger cannot be contained, sometimes. Don't you realize how many times you have killed me with your words? I try my best not to offend you, but it never works. I can't stand to be stabbed by your words of anger.

            I'm beginning to think that you don't even want me as a friend. How could I possibly be your friend if you always get mad at me? This makes me feel even worse and more alone.

_Ooh, Solitude, _

_Forever me and forever you_

_Ooh, Solitude, _

_Only you, only true_

            I want to tell you how I feel, but I'm afraid it will ruin our friendship. I can't afford to lose what we have right now….not with everything that has happened…But for too long, I have lingered in solitude. For too long, I have wondered. And for too long, I have been living in this world of sorrow and despair.  

_Everyone leaves me stranded_

_Forgotten, abandoned, left behind_

_I can't stay here another night_

            It's been long enough. I just can't take it anymore. I can't live like this forever. I either have to just get over you or tell you. I tried to get over you. But it just made me feel even worse. The only thing I can do now is to tell you…but I don't know how.

                        It's been a year. We're all in our sixth year at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft of Wizardry. Your temper has grown to be much worse than fifth year. You are still grieved by the death of Sirius, the closest thing to a father you have ever had. I want to take your pain away, but I don't know what to say to you. I'm so scared that what I say will only make you even angrier.

I still haven't told you how I felt, but I know I must. For five years, I have hidden away this love for you. I do not think I should keep this secret from you any longer. You deserve to hear the truth, but not the whole truth yet. I decide to send you a letter telling you how I felt because I am not brave enough to tell you face to face. I also do not have the courage to tell you that the letter is from me…

In the Great Hall, I sat with you and Ron eating breakfast. My eyes bore upon a new book I had gotten from the library, and you and Ron were talking about Quidditch. Ginny, who had just gotten over you a year ago, is discussing Quidditch with you, as well. Suddenly, the hall quiets down as the daily owls swoop down delievering posts to the students. 

My usual Daily Prophet comes, and I instantly open it to see any news of Voldemort. I see the owl I sent a letter with early this morning, but it was unfamiliar to your eyes. It swooped down and dropped a letter. You looked at the letter, clearly puzzled. 

"I wonder who this is from…" You said, frowning.

"Ofen it uf." Ron says with a mouth stuffed with food.

You ripped it open and read it. You looked even more bewildered as you slowly read to the end of the letter.  Ron leaned over and read it too. By the end of the letter, Ron is laughing his head off.

" 'I have loved you since I met you'!" he said in a mocking high pitched voice. " 'Love, your secret admirer.'  Sounds like you got a lover out there, mate."

"I wonder who it could be. I mean, it does say that she goes to this school." You said, rereading the letter.

_Your secret admirer_

_Who could it be_

" I bet it's Ginny." Ron said, still trying not to laugh. Ginny shot a glare at Ron, but continued eating her food.

"Ron," I said, indignantly, " You know very well that Ginny has gotten over Harry. She has a boyfriend."

" Oh yeah…"

"This writing looks awfully familiar." You said, still analyzing the letter.

"Hey, it does…It looks like—but it couldn't be." Ron said, in shock.

"Couldn't be what?" You asked.

_Ooh, can't you see_

_All along it was me_

_How can you be so blind_

_As to see right through me_

"Hermione." Ron said, shortly. He looked at me and grinned. "It looks exactly like your writing."

"Yeah, it does." You agreed.

            I breathed in deeply and said the words I knew I would regret later on. 

            "What if it is my writing? _What if I wrote it?_"

            Your face immediately fell into something that looked like suspicion. Ron's snickers instantly stopped. Ginny looked up from her food, confused. And I just sat there looking at you straight in the eye, with no expression at all. Several moments of silence pass; even the Great Hall's noises seemed to fade away.

Still looking at you, I said, quietly, "Excuse me."  With that, I got up and walked away.

_And ooh, Solitude_

_Still with me is only you_

_Ooh, Solitude,_

_I can't stay away from you_

_Ooh, Solitude_

_Forever me and forever you_

_Ooh, Solitude_

_Only you, only true_

            You weren't supposed to follow me out of the Great Hall. You weren't supposed to grab my arm. You weren't supposed to tell me to stay and tell you the truth. You weren't supposed to know that the letter was from me. You weren't supposed to tell me you loved me too. You weren't supposed to kiss me. I was supposed to stay in solitude, never knowing if you had mutual feelings. I was supposed to never know what it's like to be loved back. But, I guess, nothing really happens as the way it is supposed to…


End file.
